Missing the Kink

Forgive me in advance for the rant that is now forthcoming. I am doing everything I can to make this marriage work and I see that Alpha is making an effort as well. We are talking more and spending more time together and I am very appreciative that he is trying as hard as he is.

I am back in charge of keeping track of the budget and we are back on track financially. We have plans to do things both together and separately. I haven’t found a counselor that works with our schedule and budget yet, but I haven’t given up.

All of the sounds great and it is great…if you’re vanilla; but I miss submission. I miss kneeling. I miss being told what to do. I miss being spanked. I miss being held accountable for my attitude or laziness. I miss pain. Hell, I miss sex! We haven’t had sex in like 2 weeks now. I long for him to take control stick a plug in my ass and choke me with his dick, then bend me over and pound me, taking it all for himself and denying me everything. I wish he was inclined to read our lifestyle books or a few blogs. I wish he would open his mind to all of the options out there. I wish for the kink in my everyday life. I miss it so much.

Either way, more sex is needed. I sent him an article about a 30 day sex challenge. Even though I am leaving again in 3 weeks, I was thinking we could us it as a trial run or something. However, he hasn’t acted very interested. He has even let his normal grooming go. Not sure what I can do except continue to support him and make myself available to him in every way possible. If he doesn’t communicate clearly with me, I can’t do much.

I love him so much. I hope we can continue to work through this together and that we find a routine that works for both of us.

Retirement Woes

The transition from active duty military to civilian life is rough on both the service member and the spouse. Many falters in communication, tears, and emotional wounds later, trust was broken and our contract was suspended. Our marriage hung in the balance, luckily we are both committed making it work. Our love is deep and our friendship strong.

In the deep communication that insued, Alpha admitted that he is not as committed to this lifestyle as he led me to believe. In fact, it’s apparently something he was only doing for me. He does not want to do it anymore. We are going to counseling and we have both already made huge strides to communicate and compromise.

I don’t know what will happen, or whether we’ll come back to this lifestyle. I do not want to make Alpha do something that he doesn’t want to do. While I am grateful that he is communicating openly now, I do feel a little betrayed that he wasn’t doing so before.

Marriage is hard. Who knows what will happen? Stay tuned…