I have this flaw, it’s called an attitude problem. It’s a big problem. I’m working on it.
Anyway, on Thursday I missed a couple of things and Alpha told me that I wasn’t allowed to orgasm. I communicated my displeasure and told him that I was feeling very defiant. He responded with emojis, feeling blown off, I got bratty….and got told to go to bed. I went to bed unsatisfied and upset. All day Friday I was angry at his communication style. Pissed that he used emojis rather than words.
I’ve been having problems going #2. I think it’s this cyst putting pressure on my colon or it could be because I am using a plug everyday. Either way, Friday afternoon I decided to give myself a long overdue enema. When I started, I was still feeling defiant and pissed off. Sometime after the cramps started, I realized that I was not living up to my end of the deal. I was not being submissive. I was acting like a spoiled brat. I needed to apologize and get my shit together.
Too little, too late. When Alpha got off work, I wasn’t done with chores, because I wasted so much time being angry. Sometimes I think I am just a glutton for punishment. Well, be careful what you wish for, because Alpha had duty today, so he assigned me 2 days of punishment. Everything on the list each day for 1 hour except rice, 15 min. Ice in ass day 1, pussy day 2. Sleep in tack bra and heaviest ball day 1, tack bra and chilled dildo day 2. Write “I will not lash out against Alpha when he’s looking out for me.” 500x due Sunday morning when Alpha gets home.
I’d already finished my chores, so on Friday evening I kneeled in the corner with a clit clamp, nipple clamps, large plug, and tack bra. For the last 15 minutes, my nipples were on fire. Afterwards, I tried to lay on my stomach in my tack bra for an hour and only made it 30 min. Siding 4 or 5 small ice cubes into my ass, it immediately clenched in shocking pain. Groaning, I doubled over waiting for it to pass. This is worse than the enema. After a few moments, it passed. I got up and went into the bathroom to kneel in rice. Only made it 8 minutes, but not because it really hurts your knees, which it does, but because my hip and foot kept cramping up.
Found a couple of mantras to recite during punishment. One was short and easy to memorize, I wrote the other one out to read out loud. After writing almost 200 lines, I hid the large plug and my dildo in the refrigerator, and went to bed with ball in and tack bra on. Sleeping in the tack bra was as uncomfortable as you’d imagine. I found that if I laid on my back, propped up on my pillows, I could make it through it.
This morning I decided to do as much as possible in my room while my brother was home. But truthfully, I didn’t do anything almost 2 hours because I was dreading it. I was procrastinating the large plug as much as possible so, I started with laying on my stomach in tack bra. I made it the entire hour this time, the mantras were a big help getting through. Next, I added the nipple clamps to the tack bra and a clit clamp and sat cross legged in my closet, rather than a corner, for an hour. After 30 minutes, I started to sweat a little. My nipples were on fire. My clit stung like mad. I haltingly recited the mantras, groaning in pain every other sentence. When I took the bra and clamps off, I lay there panting as the blood rushed back into my clit and nipples.
Afterwards, I knelt in rice for 15 minutes. Five minutes in, I was sweating and panting. During the last 5 minutes, I started to tremble. When the timer went off, I collapsed sideways. My left leg was killing me and both feet were numb. Then I filled my pussy with ice and lay there groaning through the pain as it melted. I decided I should try to exercise next. So, I went out to the fridge and retrieved the plug. As I’ve said before, I hate this one, it’s large and it’s heavy. Putting it in cold was no fun either. It warmed up halfway through my arm routine but just as I was starting legs, I felt like I needed to go #2. Frustrated, I removed the plug (which sounds easier than it is) and went to the bathroom. Nada, zip, zero, zilch. When I went to put the plug back in (after washing it of course) my ass said hell no. IYKYK. Realizing that I had to leave to take my brother to work in 45 minutes anyway, I decided to work some more on my lines.
Here’s where things went awry. I sat there writing lines and had over 300 done when it was time to leave. Took my brother to work, forgot to wear the accessories I am supposed to for errands. When I got home, I was exhausted. My body hurt everywhere and mageara was unhappy as well, causing period-like cramps. I took pain meds for the first time in the day and sat down to write more lines while it kicked in. The pain seemed to increase, so I took a bath. After the bath, I wrote more lines, getting up to 400. I will finish those tonight, but I didn’t finish my workout, do any chores, or sunbathe. If I’d taken the pain meds as directed, I may have stayed ahead of the pain and been fine, but I allowed the pain to get ahead of me before taking them. I feel bad for not completing everything, but I physically couldn’t, and now it’s too late.
I asked myself why I was going through that and told myself that I deserved it for acting the way that I did. I asked Alpha to push my limits and my limits were pushed today. I want nothing more than to please my Alpha. I want to use this time to deepen my submission to him. Using this discomfort to lean into my submission and the pain to remind myself who I am, who I belong to, and what my goals are. I remind myself of what our relationship was like, what I was like before D/s. Can you say naggy bitch?
That being said, if the punishments continue, I will happily accept it for my failure to complete my tasks, which includes taking pain meds and supplements on time. Am I upset about it? Yes, but I am upset with me, not Alpha. He is doing everything he is supposed to and I am still grateful that he chose me to be his luna.