Limits Pushed

I have this flaw, it’s called an attitude problem. It’s a big problem. I’m working on it.

Anyway, on Thursday I missed a couple of things and Alpha told me that I wasn’t allowed to orgasm. I communicated my displeasure and told him that I was feeling very defiant. He responded with emojis, feeling blown off, I got bratty….and got told to go to bed. I went to bed unsatisfied and upset. All day Friday I was angry at his communication style. Pissed that he used emojis rather than words.

I’ve been having problems going #2. I think it’s this cyst putting pressure on my colon or it could be because I am using a plug everyday. Either way, Friday afternoon I decided to give myself a long overdue enema. When I started, I was still feeling defiant and pissed off. Sometime after the cramps started, I realized that I was not living up to my end of the deal. I was not being submissive. I was acting like a spoiled brat. I needed to apologize and get my shit together.

Too little, too late. When Alpha got off work, I wasn’t done with chores, because I wasted so much time being angry. Sometimes I think I am just a glutton for punishment. Well, be careful what you wish for, because Alpha had duty today, so he assigned me 2 days of punishment. Everything on the list each day for 1 hour except rice, 15 min. Ice in ass day 1, pussy day 2. Sleep in tack bra and heaviest ball day 1, tack bra and chilled dildo day 2. Write “I will not lash out against Alpha when he’s looking out for me.” 500x due Sunday morning when Alpha gets home.

I’d already finished my chores, so on Friday evening I kneeled in the corner with a clit clamp, nipple clamps, large plug, and tack bra. For the last 15 minutes, my nipples were on fire. Afterwards, I tried to lay on my stomach in my tack bra for an hour and only made it 30 min. Siding 4 or 5 small ice cubes into my ass, it immediately clenched in shocking pain. Groaning, I doubled over waiting for it to pass. This is worse than the enema. After a few moments, it passed. I got up and went into the bathroom to kneel in rice. Only made it 8 minutes, but not because it really hurts your knees, which it does, but because my hip and foot kept cramping up.

Found a couple of mantras to recite during punishment. One was short and easy to memorize, I wrote the other one out to read out loud. After writing almost 200 lines, I hid the large plug and my dildo in the refrigerator, and went to bed with ball in and tack bra on. Sleeping in the tack bra was as uncomfortable as you’d imagine. I found that if I laid on my back, propped up on my pillows, I could make it through it.

This morning I decided to do as much as possible in my room while my brother was home. But truthfully, I didn’t do anything almost 2 hours because I was dreading it. I was procrastinating the large plug as much as possible so, I started with laying on my stomach in tack bra. I made it the entire hour this time, the mantras were a big help getting through. Next, I added the nipple clamps to the tack bra and a clit clamp and sat cross legged in my closet, rather than a corner, for an hour. After 30 minutes, I started to sweat a little. My nipples were on fire. My clit stung like mad. I haltingly recited the mantras, groaning in pain every other sentence. When I took the bra and clamps off, I lay there panting as the blood rushed back into my clit and nipples.

Afterwards, I knelt in rice for 15 minutes. Five minutes in, I was sweating and panting. During the last 5 minutes, I started to tremble. When the timer went off, I collapsed sideways. My left leg was killing me and both feet were numb. Then I filled my pussy with ice and lay there groaning through the pain as it melted. I decided I should try to exercise next. So, I went out to the fridge and retrieved the plug. As I’ve said before, I hate this one, it’s large and it’s heavy. Putting it in cold was no fun either. It warmed up halfway through my arm routine but just as I was starting legs, I felt like I needed to go #2. Frustrated, I removed the plug (which sounds easier than it is) and went to the bathroom. Nada, zip, zero, zilch. When I went to put the plug back in (after washing it of course) my ass said hell no. IYKYK. Realizing that I had to leave to take my brother to work in 45 minutes anyway, I decided to work some more on my lines.

Here’s where things went awry. I sat there writing lines and had over 300 done when it was time to leave. Took my brother to work, forgot to wear the accessories I am supposed to for errands. When I got home, I was exhausted. My body hurt everywhere and mageara was unhappy as well, causing period-like cramps. I took pain meds for the first time in the day and sat down to write more lines while it kicked in. The pain seemed to increase, so I took a bath. After the bath, I wrote more lines, getting up to 400. I will finish those tonight, but I didn’t finish my workout, do any chores, or sunbathe. If I’d taken the pain meds as directed, I may have stayed ahead of the pain and been fine, but I allowed the pain to get ahead of me before taking them. I feel bad for not completing everything, but I physically couldn’t, and now it’s too late.

I asked myself why I was going through that and told myself that I deserved it for acting the way that I did. I asked Alpha to push my limits and my limits were pushed today. I want nothing more than to please my Alpha. I want to use this time to deepen my submission to him. Using this discomfort to lean into my submission and the pain to remind myself who I am, who I belong to, and what my goals are. I remind myself of what our relationship was like, what I was like before D/s. Can you say naggy bitch?

That being said, if the punishments continue, I will happily accept it for my failure to complete my tasks, which includes taking pain meds and supplements on time. Am I upset about it? Yes, but I am upset with me, not Alpha. He is doing everything he is supposed to and I am still grateful that he chose me to be his luna.

Grateful

I feel very grateful today. My Alpha is a patient and loving teacher. He has had to assign punishments because I continue to not meet my own goals. I know he hates to punish me and I swear, I am not doing it on purpose. So, I am grateful for his love and his patience as he helps me reach my own goals. I appreciate it more than words can say.

Due to failure to meet goals yesterday I had to switch to the large plug (which I hate) for the remainder of the day and put my nipple clamps and medium plug in the refrigerator for use today. When I asked for an orgasm, I was denied. When I pouted, I was told to sleep with my dildo in.

I drug my bedtime routine out for as long as possible. I was stupid horny already and I knew this was going to be torture. I got into bed, sighed, and slowly slid the dildo into place. This time was worse than the last time. Immediately my pussy clenched in ecstasy. Forcing myself to relax with deep breaths, I eventually fell asleep with a full, but highly unsatisfied pussy. Around 4am I woke up because my pussy was literally having a party. The rhythmic squeezing and hip rocking woke me up. I slid the dido out as my pussy protested and went to the restroom. I stayed up for a bit to give my pussy a break. Too tired to do so for very long, I got back in bed around 5:30am. Taking a deep breath and sliding the dildo in was so pleasurable, it was painful. Every little movement causing that same painful pleasure. I laid as still as possible and finally fell back asleep. When I got up around 8am and took the dido out, my pussy felt hollow, and hornier than ever.

Edging took seconds and was painfully pleasurable every time as well. I needed more time to recover in between than I have in the past. Afterwards, my pussy was literally vibrating. The tack bra was a little more bitey today, nothing terrible, just more noticeable. I was terrified of the cold plug, but it turned out not to be that bad. It was super cold for a second, then seemed to warm up pretty fast. After sunbathing, I put the cold nipple clamps on for an hour. Like the plug, they warmed up pretty fast. My nipples are already sensitive, so I was definitely counting down every minute of that hour though.

I forgot some things again today and Alpha will punish me. I am dreading it, but also glad that he has the strength and ill to continue to do so. I know it’s frustrating, I am frustrated with myself! Every day I get better though. I think soon I’ll be much more consistent in my routine and that’s what I want.

My nipples feel slightly sore and very sensitive. My pussy feels horny and wet. My body feels strong and relaxed. My mind feels love and gratefulness and the burning desire to belong to and service my Alpha forever.

Progress

Been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Things have changed bit. Bit by bit, Alpha’s training is working. I used to not like masturbation, now I ask if I can almost daily. I used to brat so I could get punished. Now I’ve realized that I just need to communicate to get my needs met. Alpha asked me to come up with a sub routine that I think will keep me in the mindset. Because, let’s face it, I need a bit more going on when he isn’t here to do maintenance or give me a good spanking when I deserve it. Here’s what I came up with based off of things he has given me in the past:

DAILY ROUTINE:

ALL DAY:

chastity belt and nudity when possible

CHORES:

edge 2x before and after

wear tack bra and plug (size depending on how good I’ve been)

EXERCISE:

edge 2x before and after

wear ben wa (this will keep going up in heaviness) and plug

Exercise consists of:

10 min leg workout

60 squats

15 min arm workout

30 min yoga

SUNBATHING (sitting or laying in sun for at least 15 min):

edge 2x before and after

wear ben wa ball and plug

do 30 kegel execises

ERRANDS (except doctor):

wear tack bra and plug

WATER:

20 oz by the time Alpha gets off work and 10 more by bedtime (this will increase gradually)

CIGARETTES:

1 every 4 hours, not to exceed 5 per day

PUNISHMENTS:

  • Punishments happen for a variety of reasons. EVERY punishment should come with clear communication as to WHY it is happening and WHAT can be corrected in the future.

bigger plug next day

plug that’s been in the refrigerator overnight the next day

clit clamp

nipple clamps

kneeling on rice

orgasm denial

forced orgasm

corner time

laying on stomach on floor in tack bra, hands behind back

cold shower

partially melted ice inside pussy or ass

sleeping with something on or in me

REWARDS:

words of praise

orgasm

sexy video call

It’s been a couple of days and this seems to be working out. Sometimes I procrastinate or forget things and then don’t get done with things in time. Then, I get a punishment and accept it gladly so that I can learn to manage my time better and write things down if needed. I feel like extended punishments that really push me are the most effective. I am enjoying the fact that Alpha isn’t afraid to push my limits because that is what I want and need right now.

Last night one of my fears came true. My brother came home and caught me naked in the living room. I apologized and told him that I was hot. Last night I was mortified. Today I laugh every time I think about it. Progress.

Punishments and Fantasies

My limits were definitely tested yesterday. Not only did I wear various accoutrements such as a tack bra, ben wa ball, and plug, but I had to edge several times, wear a clamp on my clit part of the time, kneel in rice two separate times, and sleep with a dildo inside of me. Much like the nipple clamps, the clit clamp is not super noticeable until you take it off and then ouch. Kneeling in rice is an effective punishment and not something I’d care to repeat, especially when Alpha tells me to keep my ass off of my heels. When this punishment was happening I told him that I was sorry that I displeased him and he said I should be more sorry that I am not sticking to my goals. Touche sir. I didn’t make it through the entire ten minutes, so had to do another five before bed. I promise, I was VERY remorseful by the time it was over. As I said before, Alpha is a man of few words so when he told me to sleep with a dildo in, no playing, I knew this was my punishment for touching myself without permission. I was stuffed full, every little movement had me feeling it inside me. At one point as I was drifting off to sleep I found myself squeezing my thighs together and moving my hips. I became alert and stopped immediately. Alpha said no playing I reminded myself. Still, sleep was interesting. I felt it every time I moved and wanted more, even in my dreams. Woke up with an achy, unsatisfied pussy, and a list of instructions for the day. I told Alpha that since he’s overwhelmed, we could come up with a routine together, things I do or wear daily to stay in the sub mindset. That way, he only has to assign a reward or punishment at the end of the day. The instructions for today are to edge twice before and after chores. Wear tack bra and medium plug for chores. After chores wear heaviest ben wa ball. Wear nipple clamps for exercise. My exercise has been bumped up to an hour of yoga and 60 squats.

As I was laying there trying to sleep last night, I had a punishment fantasy. I have been thinking a lot about forced orgasm and how that would work long distance. So, in my fantasy Alpha video chats me, has me put on nipple clamps, a plug, and a dildo. Then he has me strap the clit stimulator to me with a belt or rope and directs me when to turn it up (the only time I’m allowed to touch it) continuing to increase intensity and directing the whole scene until I am wrecked.

Painfully Memorable

The weekend was pretty productive for me. I made a list of my unfinished projects (that I can do in the condition I am in) and Alpha picked 3 for me to complete. This is very helpful to me because I tend to start a lot pf projects and not finish them. Then, when I have time to finish them later, I don’t because I have so many, I don’t know where to start. Also, having a list of things to do and a deadline helps me stay on track and feel useful.

Did some active submission exercises such as wearing a plug to do chores or nipple clamps to yoga because I didn’t do it in front of a mirror the first time. Edging every time a task or implement was changed. Of course, the naked rule is still in effect and will likely become permanent.

On Saturday I sent Alpha a punishment dice game that I found. I was still feeling angsty on Saturday evening, even after being allowed to orgasm (which was so intense because I was literally kept on edge all day and I squirted). I played a round of the game and it did help with the fact that I am missing maintenance a little. I only played a half round, maybe if I played a full round I’d feel more satisfied, but honestly this was more like funishment for me than punishment. Each thing was too short and therefore not exactly intense enough to last, if that makes any sense.

Yesterday my friend came to see me. He’s young and gay. We met at work and hit it off immediately. More than once, we have discussed him renting a room here. Now that the bitch roommate is gone, that’s a possibility again. I haven’t asked Alpha yet, there’s a lot to be discussed but it made me wonder if it would change the nudity rule. After thinking on it, I came to the conclusion that Alpha would likely still require nudity (AHHHHH!!!!!). So, I told my friend about it and he said he didn’t care who is naked and that he’d do naked yoga with me if that would make me feel better. I must have looked scared as hell, because he laughed and asked me how come I am so scared. I told him that I hate my body and talked about the saggy wrinkly weight loss skin, fat rolls, and cellulite. He said “you shouldn’t hate those things, you should be celebrating them. You should not hate your body, you should love your body because it is beautiful. Your husband is right to make this rule, you need to be comfortable in your own skin.” Damn. these youngsters are so fucking smart these days!!! Funny thing, I agree with everything he said, I still don’t want him to see me naked. LOL

I did get in a tiny amount of trouble when Alpha found out I was clothed wile repairing the grape arbor in the back yard. I thought he was only requiring nude sunbathing, but I was mistaken, nudity is required whenever my brother is gone everywhere inside and in the the entire backyard. I am not going to lie, I totally skulk around the back yard trying to stay invisible like some kind of deranged, naked spy in a foreign land. However, I have noticed that my posture has improved because you look better when you stand or sit up straight. Also, I don’t know if this is related, but I am SUPER horny all of the time. Almost to the point of no self control. Wish that chastity belt was already here. I’m worried that it’s a shady site and nothing is ever going to show up. After I ordered it, I saw someone make one (for starters) out of a length of chain and 2 small padlocks and I saw another one I think I could make too. Perhaps Alpha will let me make one soon. I think I really need one.

Anyway, after that friend left, my other friends stopped by on their way back from the rave they went to this weekend. They dropped off a bag of special cookies. Here’s when things went awry, sort of….after smoking with them, they left, and I decided to eat a cookie. A little while later I slid into a deliciously hot bath. It felt amazing and my body felt wonderful in it. I started to let my hands roam, you know, learning to love my body. Eventually I let them roam right on over to my pussy, because I was just feeling SO FREAKING GOOD. I closed my eyes and sank further into the water. Slowly I circled my clit with one finger…Next thing I knew, I was rubbing it with 2 fingers, then 3. I arched my back, my knees hit my bath shelf, and my eyes snapped open. I stopped immediately, realizing that I had gone too far. Alpha was on duty last night, so permission to touch could not be given. I knew better, cookie or no cookie.

Drat! Not only was I unable to complete all of the projects, I had to confess touching without permission, AND smoking more cigarettes than we agreed on 3 separate occasions. Since he asked me to previously, I sent him a list of mix and match punishments. I haven’t heard from him yet, so I am just here stewing on it and hoping (even though it sounds crazy) that he doesn’t hold back. I want to be deterred from doing these things. I want the punishment to be painfully memorable. Limits need to continue to be tested.

Being Naked feels so WEIRD

As I was doing my yoga and my squats (both of which are helping my back pain tremendously) I thought about how frustrated I am to be out of work and what I can do to feel better about it. Besides actually finishing the projects I’ve started and keeping up with the house (still resting whenever needed and taking my time) what would make me feel less shitty about being out of work for so long? Pushing my limits as a sub, that’s what. Going back to the things we were doing before whenever I can tolerate it. When I thought my surgery would happen in an expedient amount of time, I was willing to wait it out, but now that I know it’s going to be longer than I thought, I can’t wait. I asked Alpha if we could do what we do, unless I say I can’t do that today and he said yes.

Today was the first day after the naked rule was established that my brother went to work. After he left, I stripped and then sat back down in my chair to watch a show. I soon realized I needed something between me and the leather of the chair. I felt awkward and out of place. I badly wanted to cover up. Last night Alpha informed me that I would also be doing my sunbathing naked as well, since it’s in our secluded backyard and isn’t against the law, even if someone sees. He said he can’t wait to see me without tan lines. Oh my! I only made it for 15 minutes out there. Every noise startled me. I’m hoping to do better tomorrow.

After I came in, I decided to do yoga and squats. I forgot the mirror for yoga and the mantra during both. I let Alpha know this upon check in and that my friends would be dropping by on their way through to a rave they’re attending. He said to insert a ben-wa ball and put on nipple clamps and do the yoga again in front of the mirror, reciting the mantra. For the first time EVER, he asked for video. It made me feel good, but nervous that he wanted that. Good, because he wants to see me, nervous, because my body is in that weird weight loss stage where everything needs tightening up now. I hate the way it looks.

Afterward, he told me to inset my medium plug and wear it while my friends were here and to let him know when they left. Again, pic for proof. DAMN! This man means business today and I LOVE it. When they were gone he told me to keep the plug in, edge twice, then orgasm. Send video of orgasm, and then I could take out the plug. I think my eyes almost bugged out of my head at this point.

Bringing myself to the edge twice was easy. I haven’t touched myself in a while and I was ready for that clit stimulator. Trying to orgasm and get it on film was slightly harder. It went like this. I lubed up my dildo and slowly eased it inside my pussy. She is pretty tight these days from non use. I gently moved the dildo in and out a few times, feeling her loosen up a bit. It felt so good fucking good, I started to moan. Leaving the dildo there and squeezing my thighs shut to hold it in, I reached for my phone. With the phone filming in one hand, I grabbed the clit stimulator with the other. Opening my legs, I placed the stimulator on my clit and started making slow circles, turning it up slowly. I tried to hold the phone steady as I reached climax and came so hard I pushed the dildo right out. Shoving the dildo and stimulator aside, I used my fingers to intensify and prolong the orgasm. Sent the video to Alpha, he was happy and so was I.

Still, not gonna lie, being naked all of the time still feels really fucking weird.

Self Esteem Training

After open conversation with Alpha, he explained to me that he would prefer if I could help him think of some mindful submission exercises because I know what my body can do currently and what it can’t. He said that I am a submissive, not a slave and that I can do things that help me stay in the mindset and then report back. If it needs correction, he will correct it, but that he has a lot on his plate right now and is having trouble coming up with ideas.

I mentioned the nudity to him again and when he seemed dubious (probably because he likes to be naked) I had to explain to him that I do not really enjoy being naked. I do not like my body naked, I like it much better with clothes on. I recently lost 40lbs and I am proud of that, but still unhappy with how my body looks. It’s a work in progress, I know, but I digress.

Because I changed my eating habits completely, I am still on track there. I can’t do ab workouts or cardio currently but I can and have been doing a little yoga and some light workouts. I am used to being on my feet for work and constantly moving, so it stands to reason that I need to keep moving even on leave. Otherwise, my back and legs tighten up like a virgin on her wedding night and that shit is painful. I am not going to go into it, but I have other health conditions that pretty much require me to at least stretch daily, or there will be pain and not the kind I like.

Once I confessed my body issues to him, he understood the nudity thing. He said that from now on, I will be naked as much as possible. All of the time when I am home alone and when I am in our bedroom if my brother is home. Obviously, clothes for company. I must do a little exercising daily and all exercises will be done in front of a full length mirror, including, but not limited to 30 squats daily. I have to look at myself the entire time, if I look away, I have to start the current set over. I now have a mantra to repeat while exercising but I’m going to keep it to myself, because part of it is an inside joke from when we were kids.

Also, we talked about chastity belts again. I told him that him wanting me locked up makes me feel wanted and desirable. Valuable enough to be kept under lock and key and a reminder of who I belong to. He had me order one, EEK!!! I don’t know if I am supposed to feel excited about this, but I do.

It’s self-esteem training and I am here for it. I am not fooled into thinking it will be easy to feel that vulnerable daily, however I do think it’ll be worth it.

Side Note: Alpha has known me a very long time and has been attracted to me no matter what size I was. He married me at the heaviest I have ever been. This is definitely my own deep seated demon that needs to be eradicated.

Advice Please

Yesterday I’d had enough of this fucking pity party. I took the day to do some thinking, evaluating, and planning. Re-did my white boards. One to organize my time and keep me on track and one for the book I haven’t worked on in months. I did not give myself a schedule to follow, but rather a list of tasks I’d like to accomplish every day and how much time is allotted per task. I did say I have to turn the lights out by midnight though, because I’ve been staying up entirely too late. It’s working out OK.

I accomplished a few things today, including getting some sun and taking a walk. I do feel better about myself, but it’s so…vanilla.

Long distance is hard enough and I really miss the little things Alpha has me do to keep me in my submission while we’re apart. I know submission is a choice and I made the choice to submit, but doing it while alone, feeling like crap, and no direction or demands is hard. Truthfully, my mouth has only gotten me in trouble a couple of times when the pain was really high and Alpha says I cannot be held accountable for that right now.

Even so, my guilt is intense. Even thought I know I am doing my best. I do not feel like I am being the best sub or wife I could be. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

Those dirty, kinky little tasks I’m given make me feel closer to him and make me miss him less. With all of them off the table due to pain and being pre-op for ovary removal, I wracked my brain for other things he could have me do, but I don’t think he liked my ideas. I guess they were kinda lame.

If you’re reading this and you have ideas or advice, I am open to hearing it.

Sad and Unmotivated

Turns out I have Ovarian Endometrioma. No wonder I feel like complete and utter shit constantly. I have concluded that this is because my uterus was such a hateful bitch, she’s trying to grow back to torture me (Partial hysterectomy 2016). This is like the worst period ever (and my periods were always awful).

Here’s an article that helped me understand what is going on and…truthfully, it grossed me the fuck out too.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/22004-ovarian-endometrioma

I’m always in pain, like bad period cramps constantly. I’m taking a combination of tylenol, ibuprofen, thc, and cbd and that helps. Doing my best to stay hydrated and stick to my diet. It’s hard, I don’t want to eat anything but the crap I am craving. Luckily, I don’t feel comfortable driving because I get dizzy very easy. I am also not ordering out, because I am losing most of my income being on leave of absence. Of course, I will apply for temporary disability, but it will be a while and will likely only be 50%. Therefore, I have to cook and eat what’s here but I don’t want to complain too much, because I have plenty of food.

I’m seriously just so emotional. I wake up crying for no reason quite often. I am often nauseated, constipated, and feel like I have to pee when I don’t or can’t tell I have to pee until it’s leaking down my leg. I hate this. I can’t do very much and everything exhausts me. The muscles in my legs keep cramping, I think because they’re used to being moved a lot more than this.

I can’t tell if I should just give in and stay in bed or try harder, maybe do some seated yoga or something. I haven’t been taking my supplements because there doesn’t seem to be any room in my stomach and thinking about swallowing all of them makes me gag inwardly. Maybe I should just pare down to essentials for now. It’s one thing to have a plan and quite another to execute it. My depression threatens to take over constantly. All I do is worry about all of the things not getting done and the financial implications of not working for 3 months.

I am bored, but can’t seem to find the motivation to do anything. The incentives that Alpha gives me are off the table for now. I am not sure what will help at this point. My friends are trying to rally, but I am just sad and unmotivated.

Plan Reboot

I’m feeling pretty lost right now. I literally can’t do much around the house, so I’m pretty useless there. I’m still extremely bloated, especially on the right side. I feel disfigured. I can’t do any of the special tasks Alpha usually gives me as part of my sub training. I am limited to small increments of standing or walking, I get light headed. Sitting up for longer, but still short amounts of time, because of the pressure on my abdomen; and laying in bed.

The house is getting messier and there’s not much I can do about it, but it’s giving me bad anxiety. Today I have to clean flower’s cage and scoop the litter boxes. I cleaned out R2 (a eufy robot vac) and got her back online and washed a load of laundry. I am light headed and tired already. Taking a break to finish this post and lay down for a while. I know resting is what I should be doing, but it makes me feel so guilty!

There are things that just have to be taken care of, whether I should be doing it or not. I ask my brother (who lives here)to help with some things, but I am not going to ask him to clean Flower’s cage or scoop my cat’s litter boxes. He already picks up dog poop for me and he’s been trying to help me keep up with dishes and lifting things for me.

It seems like these things only occur when Alpha is away. It makes it doubly hard because I don’t have my rock, my security, my comfort, and my stability. There’s no one here to take care of me, I have to take care of me, and it’s getting harder and harder to do. Mainly, it’s hard to stay motivated, to care about doing…anything really. I know this will pass, it is partially due to the cyst and partially due to the fact that I was weaning off my antidepressants prior to this. It was the next step in my plan, as was quitting smoking.

However, sometimes things don’t go according to plan. I had no way to know that this cyst would occur at exactly the same time that I was trying to stop smoking AND weaning off antidepressants that I’ve been on for nearly 4 years. As my pain kept me nearly immobilized and my blood pressure dropped, my anxiety hit an all time high. Nothing was helping the tightness in my chest yesterday. Over the course of the entire day I tried deep breathing, my inhaler, my CBD vape, smoking a joint, and talking to Alpha on the phone. Nothing helped. I was crawling out of my skin. I blame the Norco.

Anyway, when my friend asked me if I wanted anything from the store, I asked for cigarettes. I also ordered a timed lock box cigarette dispenser. I was down to less than 5 per day prior to this week. I figure Alpha can set the limit and I’ll adjust the timer accordingly. Until the cyst is resolved, it’s the best I can do. I am sure it will be added to the list of things that we will “discuss” either when this cyst issue is resolved or he gets home.

I’m going to note here that I didn’t always smoke. I had quit for a long time before we got married. A very traumatic event almost 4 years ago caused me to start smoking again and to be put on antidepressants. I am doing much better now, both physically and mentally, even with this stupid ovary trying to do me in.